Greetings from the Nether-Regions!

Right now, we're sitting in the train station in Amsterdam, Centraal Station. No, that wasn't a typo. Literally every word in the Dutch language requires a superfluous vowel. So thus far, it has been quite hard to find relevant material for our blog - but our mom said our writers block would go away once we got on the train. Actually, her words were, "Once you get on the train, y'all will just whip it out." Good word choice.

Anyway, we passed a theater the other day and thought, "Great! We can see theater in Amsterdam and talk about it!" We took a look at the description of the show: "faljxpaebtppt opaiwn ero uibpbuu apeirut npawmr apwertuybbyv." Although we love shows that discuss apwertuybbyv, we had prior engagements.

So, theatre was a no-go. But we realized that whether you're in Amsterdam, Australia, or Alabama, the world of theatre and performing arts is around us. For example, Elyse ran into a 65-year-old brunette Mia Michaels in the Van Gogh Museum. Maybe she was getting inspiration for a new, weird modern piece involving sunflowers and bedroom furniture on a starry night? Another funny coincidence is that we swear Bernie Telsey bike-rode past us, sporting a chic pair of capris and a messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

Here's another example of why being in a foreign country does not stop one from throwing in an occasional theatre reference. While walking around a windmill village, Dad had to go to the bathroom. We saw the "toilet" building, with a Kings Dominion-esque turnstile in front of it and a sign saying, "Toilets: .50 euros." Dad, upon seeing this, exclaimed, "What is this? Urinetown?"

Nice. Young Steinwalker, we have trained you well.

As you all must know, there's a little part of Amsterdam called the Red Light District. For those of you who don't know what it is, basically it's a bunch of women standing behind window-paned doors, dressed in fluorescent bikinis illuminated by black-lights. Basically, men are paying to spend a night with a glowstick. Throw in a pair of sunglasses, a plastic fedora, and a lei, and voila, you're at a Bar Mitzvah!

What you might not know is that the Dutch people apparently take so much pride in this area. In fact, one might say it's about on par with Broadway. These women are at the top of their game. Which makes us wonder, what kind of audition did they go through in order to make it behind one of those esteemed window-paned doors? A contemporary monologue, a 32-bar ballad, and a lap dance? Looking for: Singers who Strip, Actors who Strip, or Strippers who Sing and Dance. Think Sinead O'Connor with an Eastern/Bulgarian twist*.

The world of theatre is around you and me, everywhere we look. Take a look, it's in a book...Reading Rainbow...Reading Rainbow, Reading Rainbow...

And by the way, they were involved.

*See this.

Legally Blog

Unfortunately, we missed the Legally Blonde finale on MTV. We will catch it online when we get home, but we did hear that Bailey Hanks (it's so weird hearing their last name) won the competition. Big surprise, Bernie totally had a crush on her. Since we can't comment on the finale itself yet, here are our top 5 highlights from the whole season:

Legally Blonde Highlights and Lowlights

5. Andy Karl as Emmett. When Haylie Duff introduced the girls to him, we loved how they showed a clip of the musical that they had on MTV a few months ago (remember, the awkward TV special that The Hills girls narrated?). Unfortunately, Christian Borle was playing Emmett in that version, not Andy Karl. So they had to do a fake split screen, with Andy Karl on the left side singing Emmett's part, as if he was singing to Laura Bell Bundy. It was pretty hilarious and probably pretty awkward for Andy.

4. The 3 judges. Oh, how they always provided amusement and literally no helpful criticism whatsoever. First, there was the random actor judge who we definitely don't remember from when we saw the show. However, we did die laughing every time he said it was a "HIT!" Doesn't take much to make us laugh. Then, there was Heather Hach, who, throughout the season, went from being a homely playwright to having tousled beach waves, lots of well-applied makeup, and cute Nanette Lepore tops. Finally, there was our favorite, Mr. Bernard Telsey. Apparently, we're trying to mention him in every post. We have no words to express how much we love him and are absolutely terrified of him.

3. "This is what makes the business sickening." - Natalie

2. Every time Seth Rudetsky was on the show (which wasn't enough!). For anyone who hasn't checked it out, watch this. It's hi-larious. And well worth watching.

1. Emma's "Positive" dance break audition. Or should we say "Negative." Yowza. Check out the full performance on legallyblonde.mtv.com. We can't tell if she was improvising or just had a little too much to drink. Maybe it was the bronchitis? Either way, it was Positive-ly hilarious.

So, what will the next Broadway reality show be? Thoughts? We have our money on Wicked: The Search for the Next Doctor Dillamond.

We Made a Wave with Dave!

A-many thank yous to Dave T. and his Richmond VA Theater Blog for the plug of our website! Dave is the official authority on all things related to VA theater. His blog is legit and well-informed, as opposed to ours, which is usually just a bunch of resnarks*. So, everyone make sure you head to his website and keep an eye out for our name. We're famous!

*resnark: originated from our trip to California when we realized that every other sentence Dad made included a "snarky" "remark"; hence, "resnark." Used in context:

We were going through a McDonald's drive-thru on the way to visit our grandparents. Annie was complaining about who-knows-what, to which Dad replied:

"Annie, if you say one more thing, I'm going to take that hamburger out of your mouth with my own two hands and you can have turkey pastrami with Grandpa."

R-E-S-N-A-R-K. Resnark.

Wear black? Or have an Eastern/Bulgarian/Greek twist?

So, if you're looking for work in "The Biz" - not to be confused with the Motown version of an old classic - here are two very different, very random auditions which we thought were pretty funny, but still noteworthy.

First off, for anyone brave enough to face Bernie Telsey's hair...

...there are auditions for the new Julie Taymor musical, "Spider-Man" July 28th in NYC. According to Playbill.com, here's what they're looking for... and we quote:

Peter Parker - Male, 16-20's, GREAT ROCK VOICE, can be nerdy with understated sex appeal, good sense of humor.

Mary Jane - Female, 16-20's, beautiful girl next door, STRONG POP/ROCK SINGING VOICE.

Principal Women - Females, 25-35 years old, all ethnicities, AMAZING ROCK VOICES, think Sinead O'Connor with a Middle Eastern/Bulgarian/Greek/ twist. Foreign, world music types are great, foreign accents are great!

So, basically, when they say "nerdy with understated sex appeal" they really mean "you need to be Cheyenne Jackson with a pair of glasses on. If tape is holding the glasses together, that's a plus."

And who exactly is going to play these "Principal Women"? We can't even come up with anything witty to say about this. Just the fact that they name-dropped Sinead O'Connor pretty much says it all.

Here is information about the audition. Props to you if you choose to go for this.

Speaking of props. What kind of puppets does Ms. Taymor plan on using for this? As long as they throw in the baby wooden Simba, we'll be pleased.

And U2, eh? We're actually VERY excited about this. Who doesn't have a crush on Bono? If you hate him... just... stop it (although we love the South Park episode making fun of him- genius). If you go to the link about this audition, take note of the many times they use CAPS-LOCK. They are ALL ABOUT IT. SERIOUSLY.

For those of you who want to stay below the Mason-Dixon line, Barksdale Theatre is having auditions for "The Clean House." Granted, only one of the roles requires you to be younger than 50. It's pretty much "Menopause: The Musical" but with Portuguese people. And without music. And with a man.

Here's the information on it. For those of you who feel like you fit the criteria, again, props to you. Please look at this audition notice. It gives a great amount of detail. For example, Matilde, the character in her late 20's, wears black. So... if black's not your color, you might not want to audition. Like, really?

So, pull out your U2 sheet music, brush up on your Portuguese and Spanish, and break a leg at auditions!

Upcoming Shows- be on the lookout!

There are a lot of exciting shows/events coming up that you should think about going to. "GET EXCITED." Ew, how we hate that phrase. Please never tell us to get excited. We don't need prompting on that. Anyway, we're going out of town for a big European shabang, so unfortunately, we will be missing out on some of these shows. Fortunately, we'll be out of town for a big European shabang. Space cakes might be involved...

...Shabang. 

One show we're really sad we will be out of town during is "West Side Story," presented by SPARC, running July 24-July 27. This is a big show to take on, but we know that they'll do a great job- just the dance numbers alone will be very exciting to watch. Although we cannot comment on the show, we can, however, comment on the publicity photo. Nothing screams "JET" more than a bunch of boys posing in Shockoe Bottom. Seriously, though, everyone should see it. Loads of hours have been put into it, and we know all the effort will pay off. Go here for more information- MAMBO!

Another event that we wish we could see is the Summer Musical Theatre Concert on July 30 at 7:00 PM in the Godwin High School auditorium. Being 2 GHS alums, we can't leave them out of here. And we know that the talent at this thing will be really impressive. Plus, you can't really go wrong when Sherri Matthews is tickling the ivories. It's FREE, it's easy, and it's air-conditioned. You should go. And if you can't make it, we're sure it will ALL be on YouTube. 

Other shows that we WILL be seeing (and are excited about) are Little Shop of Horrors at Dogwood Dell, Guys and Dolls at the Barksdale (yeah, yeah, old news, right? Well, we haven't gotten around to seeing it yet. So sue me. HA!) and Light in the Piazza, if you're up for a 50-minute drive out west to C'Ville. More info on those shows to come...

Got any other shows we should know about? Let us know! We'd love to see them. Neither of us have jobs and we need things to do.

Our Rating System

Please understand how we rate what we see. 

One Middle Finger Up - Pretty darn good. I mean, only one hand out of the four we have didn't like your show.

Two Middle Fingers Up - Still good. Not pretty darn, but good. Nice effort is the main idea in this bullet.

Three Middle Fingers Up- Kind of the equivalent of getting a 1 on the AP exam (Elyse? No wait. That was a 2.) I mean, you sign your name on the exam and get a 1. So you did SOMETHING. Congrats.

Four Middle Fingers Up - Go ahead and just stop whatever you're trying to do, because it isn't working. With this, you didn't even attempt to take the AP exam (Elyse? Government?). 

And ZERO Middle Fingers Up- CONGRATULATIONS! You are amazing and we love you so. 

Mamma Mia! What a movie.

Here are our thoughts about Mamma Mia. We saw it last night. Granted, we saw it last night- when The Dark Knight premiered, so there were about 20 people in our huge, sad, Mamma Mia theater. Not nearly as exciting as a packed Broadway house, so keep that in mind...

Elyse: Ok I want to start off by saying I had never seen Mamma Mia before, especially not in a packed Broadway house. And I've never seen a sentence as theatre-nerdy as the concluding sentence in the first paragraph. 

Annie: Yikes, I know. I might as well have said "the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd."

E: Thank you for acknowledging your mistake. Alright so I was a little shocked at Mamma Mia. For many reasons. First of all, the movie should have been titled and subtitled, "Mamma Mia: Look at Amanda Seyfried's Boobs Bouncing." Yes. They were that distracting. And who knew Meryl could belt? And who knew her belting song had that many verses? And would last that long? Yes, the winner takes it all.

A: ... after a 4 and a half minute battle. I loved how she changed the belting part at the end, although we all love hearing the final "ALL" belted at the end (London Mamma Mia? Anybody? Nobody.). But her little change previous to that was nice. But all in all- Meryl... ehhhhh....

E: The word "all" has been used so many times in this post. 

A: Back to Meryl. She was my least favorite lead- eek, here come the attacks. But seriously, I feel like she thought too hard about the role. She kind of irked me, and she didn't seem like the type of woman who in the past would have random sex with multiple men. Christine Baranski on the other hand.... LOVE HER. And how about that leg extension? Quite impressive! Speaking of impressive... Pierce Brosnan. Thank GOODNESS they gave HIM the bonus track, the song NOT included in the original show. If anyone deserved the extra, bonus song, it was him.

E: Ha. You all do know she's being sarcastic, right? But I actually didn't hate him at all. He wasn't as bad as most people were saying. The three men were the best part of the movie. 

A: And how much did you all love the beginning of the movie when they showed all three men on their way to see Donna? The slot machine part was lame- with their 3 passport pictures CHING-ing up onto the screen. Sheesh.

E: I thought the bachelor party was perhaps the gayest thing I have ever seen. But kudos to the choreographer for finishing the list of "what can the dancers wear other than dance shoes?" I mean we've had license plates, trash can lids, and now flippers can be added as well. 

A: I was very disappointed by the megamix at the end. Why didn't they sing "Mamma Mia" again? I was happy to hear "Waterloo," though. Favorite song in the movie? "Chiquitita." Again, I loved Christine Baranski. Most awkward song? "Our Last Summer."

E: Agreed. Okay why did Sophie have to wear JUST her bathing suit the whole day? No one spends whole days in just their bathing suits after they turn 10. And she was spending the day with three men. Sitting Indian style. 

A: HA. Another favorite song was "Dancing Queen." The dancing on the dock was cute and fun. Going back to the men, I thought Colin Firth was under-used. Why didn't he get to sing "Thank You For the Music"? Then again, the whole beginning of the movie draaaagged so I guess I'm sort of happy we sacrificed a song toward the start of the movie. OH and another random thing. "Money, Money, Money"- and the girls on the big ship gambling and stuff? That was sort of weird, but I guess they figured since it was a movie, they could do things like that that they couldn't do in the live show.

E: Another thing they couldn't do in the live show? Slow motion. Clearly the director was very excited about the prospect of having Meryl Streep jumping on the bed while singing Mamma Mia in slow motion. I would be, too, I guess? 

All right, signing off. This movie gets One Middle Finger Up.

Inaugural Blog...Iblogural Naug

Welcome. We realize that in the world of thee-ay-ter, people are always talking...

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

13. One to screw it in and 12 to say they could have done a better job.

Well, we are those 12. Ha. Come here if you want to see our thoughts about theatre stuff- not that we think we're important enough for you to want to come here. But then again, we do. We have a LOT to talk about, especially it being the summer, with a bunch of exciting musical theatre spectaculars around the town- and WORLD! But we mostly see the ones around the town.

We stumbled upon this video after YouTubing Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, how we wish he was Jewish so we could marry him. Anyway, he made this hi-larious video. Look for some Broadway faves- Karen Olivo (to quote a dear friend, "She has LONG hair") and Jonathan Groff...if you're into that show...(p.s. how much do y'all want to see Hair?).

On a side HSM2 note, speaking of this video, how 'bout when Troy's reflection sings to him? If only "land Troy" and "reflection-in-the-water Troy" had sung harmony together. Speaking of Zac, I (Elyse) saw Zac Efron outside of Le Parker Meridien before he was coo and he is SO much shorter than his cardboard cutout at Short Pump Regal Cinemas would suggest. 

Stay tuned for our next post.... which we'll be posting in 30 seconds.